your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
