so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
