it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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