i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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