Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
