Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
