Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
