Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
