thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
