How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
