I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
