isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
