***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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