I cannot find my penis.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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