I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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