You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
this just has baby written all over it
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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