haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
wow bdsm is so cute
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
