May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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