He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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