I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
