I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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