i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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