My cat gives me a boner
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
