I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
