i think my mom watched the whole time
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Randomize
