someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
