Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
