Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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