I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
