My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
