I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
