I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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