Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
