Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
