Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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