I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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