I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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