summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
