I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
