My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
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