Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
