how can u be prego again
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
