apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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