I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
