just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The best revenge is premature balding
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
