apparently the secret to your success is patron
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
