sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
