I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
