Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
