the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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