Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
