Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
