What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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